Autistic Female's Blog

This past Memorial Day I accomplished more than I could have ever imagined possible.  I made it through three noisy, over stimulating events without having a meltdown.  I am beyond proud of myself and can not wait to share my experiences with the world.

From the minute I awoke out of bed on Saturday it was go time.  To be truly honest the environment around me felt as though I was amid a three-ring circus. We had a jam-packed agenda ahead and everything seemed to be happening faster than the speed of light.  I did not get a good rest the night before so I fought myself all day to push forward and get things done.  After running all over the South Shore of Long Island I was in a mood that was far from festive.  Unfortunately I could not call it a day because I still had a pre-wedding dinner to attend.

When I arrived at the party it took all the strength I had to paste on my happy face mask.  I was extremely tired and wanted nothing more than to be home in my pajamas.  Now the absolute last thing I wanted to do was draw negative attention to myself so I sucked it up and went with it.  I grabbed a glass of caffeinated soda to help knock me out of my coma and slowly started to talk to people when I was ready. I find it works best for me to stay in the background until I feel comfortable enough in with my surroundings before initiating conversations. There is something unnerving about having someone start talking to me the minute I enter a room.  My guard goes up and I usually do not respond back to well.  Apparently I had a better time than I originally planned because before I knew it, it was time to go home.

On Sunday the big event took place that was over a year in the making.  It was my sister and new brother in law’s wedding.  Everything about it was spectacular. The thing I am most proud of is the fact that I did not stim or meltdown for the entire day.  I was able to interact without having  my infamous  ” oh please shut up or make a point already” feeling coming over me.  Even guests who I am far from  fond of did not seem to bother me.  Another accomplishment  I reached was dancing the night away with my family.  Usually I do not feel comfortable enough to let loose and have fun like that but it is definitely something I want to  try to replicate the next time I go out to a social function.

After the last two days have passed I was absolutely burned out and  wanted to retreat back to my comfort zone.  Unfortunately, being the Maid of Honor also meant that I was responsible  for the post wedding breakfast. I tried to stay as long as I could but after an hour I needed to leave.  I informed my mother that I was quitting my job as host and going back to my hotel room to relax.  I am blessed to have understanding parents who let me leave with no questions asked every time I feel like I am nearing the end of my rope.

That weekend was  one of my best learning experience.  I realized that I am a lot stronger than I give my self credit for and with the proper coping skills I can truly accomplish anything.  I know  now that if I was able to get through a whole weekend of social activities than everything else is just icing on the cake.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

As I continue to experience life I am starting to believe that it is more like a revolving door than a box of chocolates.  Everyday events occur and things change despite my fight to stop them.

The hardest lesson I am currently dealing with is the fact that people will always come and go.  Yesterday, I found out that the man I have a lot of feelings for is leaving to join the armed forces so he can try to create a better life for himself.  Being a good friend , I pretended to be happy though I was upset by this piece of information.  For over a year I have planned my Saturday’s around a time I blocked out just to go visit him.  I became very comfortable with that and I am actually surprising myself by how sad I feel that I will not be able to see him again for a very long time.

While I realize that there will always be changes  I do not think I will ever become accustomed to the feelings I have when it eventually happens. Every change sparks a different reaction so it is hard for me to  pick out just one emotion. As I mature, I hope to understand that while I may be sad when people leave the most important thing is to treasure the moments I get to spend with them when they are around.

Thank you for reading!!!

Autistic Female

Over the course of my professional career, I observed that social gatherings and office parties are a weekly occurence.  While many thrive in these situations for others it can be a stress attack in the making.   Although I am a member of the later category, I have learned some valuable tips to help get me through the entire gathering.

1) Do Not Stim

This is probably the most challenging for me since it has and always will be a part of my nature.  It is my automatic default response whenever I am in an uncomfortable situation.  Unfortunately, the world around me does not understand or accept stimming.  Always keeping that in mind, I find it helpful to hold a drink in my hands for the duration of the event.  It re-directs my energy allowing me to focus more on the surrounding environment and less on doing something that is normal to me.

2) Shake Everyone’s Hand

I am not a big fan of this and it may be something I will never understand but like other things in life, I just go with it.  First off, in my opinion hands are the breeding grounds for germs so why willingly pass it on to other people.  Secondly, I do not see how moving someone’s arm up and down making his or her underarms jiggle constitutes as a “normal” part of interaction.   Anyway, since this is an expectant party of social situations I try to get this done as soon as possible preferably at the beginning of the party.  If I do this immediately I will not come across as rude and it is one less stress to deal with.

3) Pretend to be interested

Once again, this is not one of my strong points but maybe like a good bottle of wine I will get better with age.  I have probably one of the worst cases of ADHD so I am never really present in a conversation.  Typically, I think about other things I want to be doing instead of being where I am or what I am going to eat for my next meal.  Unfortunately, when in a social settings I cannot just get up and leave like I would if I were home so I have not choice but to hear the nonsensical noise coming from the group. Luckily, I realized that the simple jester of nodding your head and saying “ok” actually gives off the impression that you are actively listening to whats going on.

4) Laugh At Jokes

I do not have the best understanding of humor when I have a direct interactions with someone because I cannot differentiate the tone of voice to which the other person is speaking.   I basically only know that a joke has been told when the teller of it starts laughing or smirking right afterward.  To try to avoid any awkwardness such as laughing at inappropriate content I find it helpful for me if I surround myself  by a group  people I have some what of a  comfort level with.  That way I can get a better sense of what is going on and start laughing when they do even though I haven’t really understood what was said.

5) Keep thoughts to yourself

This is the difficult thing  for me mostly because I  appreciate  absolute honesty but as I continually learn and observe more I see that most people are offended by this.  Unlike those who are close to me who accept my what I really feel approach,  this could have disastrous results in my professional career.  After years of training I have finally learned to keep my real opinions in my head and give the answer that those around me expect to hear.  It gets you further in the long run and you wont appear to be an insubordinate worker.

I hope you can take these guidelines to help work your way through any social situation. Good Luck.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

The past three months of my life were a great learning experience. Taking the good with the bad, I have come to see that I am definitely the type of person who functions best on routines.

From Monday to Friday, I have no choice but to fittingly adapt to the changes in my workday. When I am on my own time, I try to maintain a steady schedule as much as possible.  For the longest time it has been my ritual that every Saturday morning I go out for breakfast at the local coffee shop followed by a trip to the spa.  Additionally, it is my errand day where I can complete the tasks I was unable to accomplish during the week.  On a typical Sunday, I love to stay home and unwind unless it is a necessity for me to leave.

While I absolutely love taking an active role in party planning, it does not always mesh well with my need for structure.  All to often, it ends up feeling like a hot dog eating contest.   Appointments are jam-packed into one day and you try to get in as much as you can before the time runs out.  You end up feeling physically exhausted without the unfortunate blessing of indigestion.

I am extremely thankful for the events that I went through because I have realized a lot about myself in the process.  I may operate differently than the rest of the world but at the end of the day, I have to do what works best for me.  It may take me longer but the bottom line is it will all be complete.
Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Recently I have noticed that on days when I am not feeling well my Autism characteristics get worse than on an average day.  For the last two weeks I have battled Asthmatic Bronchitis.  It is during this time where my tolerance for sensory and patience for people were significantly lowered.

One day last week I was sitting in a doctor’s office with mom when I had an attack in the waiting room.  A woman was sitting in the chair across the way but she kept staring at me. Normally I would have just gotten up and walked away but being on medication that was making me bloated I became self-conscious and took everything the wrong way.  All of a sudden when I looked up and she made I contact with me I lost it.  I screamed ” Stop staring at me! I don’t know you and there’s nothing to see here so turn around and go back to your crocheting”   I think I might have scared the woman though as she kept her head down the rest of the time I was waiting in the office. I must admit that I was a bit taken back by my reaction as I have not screamed at a stranger in public in years

Now that I am feeling like my old self again I can slowly see my personality coming back.  I feel once again I have control over my sensory issues so I am not snapping at random people who are bothering me.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

First off let me start by saying thank God it is the weekend as I can finally unwind and re-center myself.  Anyway, the one thing I can never get accustomed to is life’s unpredictable events.  Over the past week and a half my world seemed like a natural disaster I could not control.

While many people can naturally adapt to unexpected changes it is something I can not handle well.  A family emergency occurred and my structured schedule went on the back burner in order to fix the imperative situation at hand.  Today I hit my breaking point and for the first time in years I had a melt down in public.  I was out doing last-minute Christmas shopping when mom reminded me I needed to buy a gift for someone I am not very fond of.  I can not explain exactly what happened next but it was like  a volcano erupted inside of me and every emotion I was hiding spewed out. I thought faster than I could speak and it came across like one big garbled message to which my family had to sort out.

When I am in a meltdown I  lose all consciousness of where I am or what is going on around me.  Apparently  it was worse than I thought as people were starting to stare at me voice my discontent.  Mom immediately removed me from the situation and  took me outside to  recompose myself.    After a few minutes I was back to my old self and we went home for the day.

One of the biggest issues I have that I’m trying hard to work on is vocalizing when I am at the end of my rope and need to relax.  Luckily, I was in the presence of a family member and not at my place of business.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

Some of the hardest times of the year for me is during the holidays.  I am a person who thrives on structure and routine but unfortunately those schedules are thrown  out the window.  Luckily my wonderful family knows of my issues and have all hands on deck to get me over the hump.

The most traditional way for me to bring in a holiday is by having a meltdown the night before a celebration is about to occur. Although I never plan on having one it seems like it is my body’s natural reaction to all the changes that will be going on in the setting around me. While I can never tell when it is about to occur my family can sense it from a mile away. I find it very beneficial that my family is so in tune as they will pull me aside and tell me to watch television or do another activity to help me relax.  Afterward I always feel rejuvenated and ready to tackle all the tasks ahead of me.

Another mechanism that works wonders for me is having a list or agenda of all the events that will be taking place during the course of the day.  This past Thanksgiving I felt like I was a chicken running around in circles without a head.  Everything seemed like a three-ring circus and I simply could not sort anything out.  Apparently my mom knew I was getting lost in the shuffle as she  put her responsibilities  on the back burner  to help me get organized. I was told what would be happening throughout the day and given one  job at a time to not become overwhelmed.

When the out-of-town guests arrived at my home to celebrate Thanksgiving I was greeted with a sense of calmness that I never felt before. Usually I get a feeling of dread as I know the noise and movement level will be multiplied by five.  I am not sure if it was because I had a meltdown before everyone came over but I was able to hold it together the entire weekend without additional issues. For the first time I can honestly say I enjoyed myself and the company of those around me.  Hopefully now that I know what works best for me I can look forward to having more enjoyable holidays with my family.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

On this day God has blessed my family and the world by giving them me.  I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to start a brand new beginning.  Today is the day I start living this beautiful gift called life.

One of my main goals this year is to grow up and make my own decisions.  All to often I ask the people in my inner circle for advice and take their feedback as my final answer. This worked for me during my childhood but as I keep maturing I am starting to realize its flaws.  First, no one is me so they can’t really determine what I want or need.  Secondly, I am a fully functioning person capable of thinking for myself.  I make choices all day at work as it is and I certainly did not get this far by being a uninteligent.

The next big priority on my agenda is to become a published author.  Ever since I was diagnosed with Autism writing became my outlet to express what I am feeling.  Usually I can not get many people to listen to me without saying I’m wrong but on pen and paper it is different.  I can get everything out in the open with out judgment or interruption.  I have a great story to tell the world and soon it will be heard.

Lastly I want to stop playing it safe and start taking some risks.  For the longest time it has been my defense mechanism to dream big and not do anything to reach the goals Ive set.  Well now, I know for sure that I am done with dreaming and ready to start doing.  I am going to try my hand at every opportunity I have even if it means I don’t reach it on the first  go round.  No longer will I be afraid of failure or the unknown.

At some point in life a person will reach a stage where they know it is time to make a change.  Right now I am here and I have to say it is a sign of relief to finally realize where you need to go.  If you are at a rough spot my best advice is to try and make a conscious effort to do one thing different each day.  Life is a process taken in baby steps and nothing is built on a solid foundation.  Just remember if at first you don’t succeed you can always get up and try again.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Not to long ago I was in the same position as a lot of people are right now.  I spent hours on end sending out resumes praying that the dream job would come knocking on my door.  It is during this time which I came up with a few tips to help ease the rocky road of the interview process.

1)Have an experienced member of the work force look over your resume.  What looks good to the average person may not be exactly what a company is looking for.

2)Go to your local library or book store and get a book of interview questions.  There will be many different types so take time to look over each book and pick one that works for you.

3)  It is a great idea to highlight or post it note questions that are appropriate for you.  Remember interview books are meant to serve a wide range of people.

4) Write out each question on a legal pad or word document.  Sit down with a family member or friend and come up with relevant appropriate answers to each question.

5) Buy a binder and protective cover sheets to put your study sheets in.  That way you will always have a reference  for quick reviews.

6) Rehearse , Rehearse and Rehearse.  Since many Autistic’s need constant repetition while trying to gain new skills the same needs to be applied with learning how to interview.  Practice every single day until you feel comfortable answering every question.  Given the fact that not all interviewers will phrase everything  the same way it is beneficial for you if the person you’re studying with reworded some questions.

7) Go on the interview and discuss relevant commonalities.  It will help ease the tension in the air but most importantly it will show that you have knowledge on other subjects other than what is being asked of you. For example on the place of my current employment my old boss grew up in the same home town so I spoke about that with him for a majority of the time.

8 ) Write a thank you email the same day.  This will keep your name fresh in the mind of the employer and show that you are serious about wanting a job.  Even if things did not pan out as smoothly as planned you still want to show that you handle yourself professionally. Also you never know if you will encounter this person again later down the road.

9) Take rejection graciously.  I know this is hard to do when by nature our first instinct is to get defensive but it is extremely important not to have a verbal altercation with the person on the other end of the phone.  Keep your response short but sweet and then after you hang up feel free to vent to someone you trust.

I hope that you can take these tips and use them to your advantage no matter what point of the interview process you are in.  Like everything else it is something that takes practice until you get it perfect.  Good luck!

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

One of the biggest issues about being outside my comfort zones is dealing with a germ and bacteria ridden environment. While a lot of people are able to control their idiosyncrasies I usually get tense to the point where I feel physically ill.

On my top ten list I would have to go ahead and say that the mass transit system is a major culprit.  Since I live way out in the suburbs it is my only means of transportation.  In any case , the point is everyday for almost 90 minutes I sit in an incubator of viral plague.  Everyone either coughs or sneezes which only contributes to my already heightened level of anxiety.

A perfect example would be an event that happened this week.  I was on my way home from work when the train decided to inconvenience me and make two additional stops to pick up passengers. Let me just say I felt like I was waiting in the sick patient room at a doctor’s office.  I felt like each rider had a motive to infect others with disease.  I got stuck in a state of repulsiveness which I could not snap out of.  In fact I actually started to get overheated but I knew I had to hold it together when I really wanted to jump out of the emergency window. Finally after an agonizing ride I made it home without getting arrested or causing a public scene.

While many people have the ability to take life’s annoyances and move on it is something that I struggle with and can not help but to perseverate on the  object of my discontent.  I hope that as time goes by I can learn to remove myself mentally from this annoyance and try to enjoy my commute back to my home and safe haven.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female