The one thing I hate in life more than going to the dentist is change. I resist against it to the umpteenth degree and loudly voice my discontentment. Being the only one of my kind in a Neurotypical family, I frequently get the response of “just go/move forward with it” or “stop being difficult on purpose”. I love them but it is very frustrating for me that they expect me to see and react to things their way when they do not even consider mine.
This past summer I learned that night before leaving for family vacation that my sister was pregnant with her first child. While everyone was idiotically overjoyed to me it was bad news and an inopportune timing. It was the thorn that popped my happy bubble and ruined my entire trip. It was too late for a back out option and now I was stuck with family for seven days in a beach house. They kept asking me what I thought about the future addition and I kept promptly responding “Do you honestly expect me to be happy about that? Because if you do your kidding yourself! They hated my responses and I hated all of them so it made for a fun week of awkward meals and overall avoidance.
Before anyone starts pointing the finger or judging me it is important to understand that Autism and change will never mix. It is my natural enemy that I can never fully be prepared for despite the many years of intervention I have under my belt. In my world everything runs on structure including the rare few I allow inside. Each member is given a specified rank & purpose that is designated to them for life. In my mind adding a new member into my pact is like rebuilding a house after a natural disaster. The foundation is gone and I am forced to start over from scratch rearranging everything to determine where this new member will be able to fit inside.
Since my nephew’s arrival about two months ago not too much has changed in my immediate environment but I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that he will actually be here on a permanent basis. He has won over my heart and I think he is adorable but my comfort level is not quite there yet. For now I just keep to myself and stare at him when he is near me. That will come with time as we both get to know each other on our own terms. I am just happy with the realization that my pack is still a tight unit and no one has been replaced.
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Autistic Female
Autistic Female's Blog 