Autistic Female's Blog

Today I had to call a restaurant to make a reservation for Saturday. The call lasted all of three minutes, but to me it felt like an hour.

I know some people will think, “It’s just a phone call.” But if you’re autistic or deal with anxiety, it often isn’t just a phone call.

For me, talking isn’t even the hardest part. It’s everything that comes with it.

What if they have one of those voices that ears can’t stand and my brain just can’t process? (No offense to Steve Urkel… or Lord Voldemort 😆)

What if they ask me a question I wasn’t mentally prepared for?

My autistic brain processes spoken information a little more slowly than a neurotypical person’s, so when I’m caught off guard, my stomach instantly tightens and my brain goes, “Abort mission! Abort mission!”

Meanwhile, the poor restaurant employee is probably thinking, “Why did she pause for five seconds before answering how many people are in her party?”

The reservation gets made. Everything is fine. But my brain acts like I just completed an Olympic event.

If phone calls make you feel the same way… you’re not alone.

I was today years old when I discovered the downside of apartment complex living…

I came home from work, grabbed my float, and headed to the pool because it was completely empty. You know… the dream.

Approximately 37 seconds into peak relaxation mode, someone shows up, sits down, and starts a full-blown conversation.

Ma’am… I didn’t come to the pool to socialize. I came to marinate in silence like a rotisserie chicken.

She talked my ear off for a solid 10 minutes while I nodded along pretending to care, when all I really wanted to do was float around like the human pool noodle I was born to be.

The most confusing part? I know I don’t give off “please come tell me your life story” energy. If anything, my face usually says, “I’m recharging… proceed with caution.”

Needless to say, my peaceful pool therapy turned into an unexpected and unwanted social event. 😖

People don’t always see the amount of effort it takes to manage sensory sensitivities every single day.

I try really hard to push through them and do all the “normal” things, but sometimes my nervous system has other plans.

Yesterday I was grocery shopping with my mom when sensory overload came out of nowhere. Within minutes, I knew I had to leave or I was going to start screaming or throw up.

Forget organizing the groceries. Forget putting the cold food in the insulated bags. Everything got tossed into whatever bag was closest because getting out of that store became the only thing my brain could focus on.

My mom took one look at me and drove us home because she knew I was done.

This is what autism can look like. Sometimes there’s no warning, no obvious trigger, and no amount of “just push through it” is going to fix it.

Some days surviving is the accomplishment.

I had a meltdown today. For about 10 minutes, every thought I’d been holding inside came pouring out like a volcano. I honestly don’t even remember half of what I said, and I’m pretty sure most of it didn’t make much sense.

When I’m at that point, the worst thing someone can do is try to reason with me. My brain has already shut down. I’m not processing what’s being said—it’s just more noise that adds to the sensory overload.

The most helpful thing you can do is give me space, let me regulate, and allow me to cool down on my own. Once my nervous system settles, then we can talk.

Meltdowns aren’t tantrums or a choice. They’re what happens when my brain has reached its limit. Living with autism isn’t always predictable, but understanding and patience make all the difference. 💙

This weekend I surprised myself by how well I did participating in social activities two days in a row.

Saturday was date night so my boyfriend and I went to go see one of our favorite comedians Vic Dibitetto perform stand up at one of the local theaters. I finally learned that when getting tickets to any show or sporting event it works bust for me to buy aisle seats at the end or beginning of the row so I am not sandwiched in between two people increasing my chances of experiencing sensory and/or anxiety issues. I was able to enjoy both the show and our time together.

Yesterday we went out to a BBQ. A no brainer decision for almost everyone else in the world was the hardest one in mine. Lucky for me he has patience of a saint and just sits there and lets me vocalize all my thoughts and reservations. I ended up going because after all I don’t want him to not be able to see his friends. I had fun even though did not stay the whole time because I reached my limit and needed to go home to relax for work.

Happy Monday Everybody!

My parents are slowly starting to teach me important life skills such as how to cook so that I may live semi independently one day. Tonight I learned to sautee peppers & onions! I did not set the house on fire and they ended up tasting delicious! I may not be able to make a full meal but it is a start and I am proud of myself for what I accomplished!