Autistic Female's Blog

Greetings from the beach!! It is independence day and for me it would not be complete without laying in the sun soaking up some rays.  Any way a couple of minutes a go a miscommunication led to a verbal altercation between my future brother in law and myself.  A gust of wind came along which caused his newspaper to go flying.  I was having a conversation with my sister and he thought I called him a name.  He rudely interrupted and shouted at me which took me by surprise.  This did not sit well with me and in the heat of the moment I screamed right back.  When I asked him what his issue was he told me ” I do not like being called stupid”  After arguing with each other my sister had to interject and tell him that he heard wrong.  He apologized and I accepted but I learned something at the same time.  I realized that when people ( I too am guilty of this) are not fully paying attention they can hear things that were never said. Also it is best to ask for clarification instead of jumping to conclusions.  I myself will do this in the future as well.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

The most common misconception about Autism that really gets my blood boiling is the one that states ” Individuals with Autism can not show affection”  It bothers me that we live in the age of the Internet where information is readily available at our finger tips and people still deem this to be true.  What many do not understand is that we can show affection but how we do so is different.

Coming from a large Asian Italian family everyone is obsessed with giving hugs and kisses.  They perceive hugs as a sign of respect and take it personally when they do not get one.   I on the other hand am more reserved with my emotions and to me a hug is an invasion of my space.  While most families accept individuality, mine treat it as if it is a crime punishable by law.  There were countless family fights over me because they tried to get me to conform to their standards.  I’ve got an aunt and uncle who scarred me so much from my childhood that to this day I still dread every time I have go over the house.  They constantly made fun of me and on top of that actually felt in a position to  judge and call me the “cold fish”  To them I was defiant because I never  gave a hug or spoke a word when I was in their presence.  Autistic or not, if someone is not treating you well you would not want to associate with them either.

On the other side of the token we have my grandfather who is very open minded and accepting.  He was able to fully understand my issues and being a salesman treats my visits as if I am a potential customer.  He’s patient with me and knows to let me initiate things first instead of starting things when I am not ready.  For example, while we can talk for hours on end about nothing in-particular he waits for me to say the first words.  Most of all though he never gets angry if I just visit and don’t say anything.  He knows it is not a sign of disrespect but rather a sign that I need to be left alone in my own little world.  Actually out of all my family that I see most often I have the best relationship with him because he does not try to tweak me.

Basically what it all come down to is acceptance and comfort level.  If you want to have a successful relationship with an Autistic individual it is best to let them seek you out first.  Do not forget that we process stimulus differently so what is seen as aloofness to the average eye is really our way of sorting everything out.  It is not a good idea to be pushy because that can cause them to shut down which is the opposite result of what you are trying to achieve.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Although I got home at my regular time  I did not get to relax yet.  The air conditioner is on its way out so my parents decided that today would be a great day to make an appointment with the  salesman to come over for an estimate.  The guy has been here for 3 hours already and is really starting to wear out his welcome.  At least in my opinion he is. How long does it take to inspect a stupid piece of machinery and spit out an overly expensive price? I have to act all day and now I’m being forced to do it in my safe haven as well.  First off I am wearing a workout outfit instead of my pajamas which I rip on the minute I get home.  I am not fully relaxed in sweats because to me  it feels like I still have to go out and do something. The dogs are locked in the basement instead of laying on my bed fighting each other to see who will get to sit next to me.  I can’t roam free because I know that someone is here that should not be. Granted people are going to read this and think ” big deal get over it already” . What people do not know is for me this is a big deal.  I have to adapt to changes all day long and I look forward to going home which is a place that normally has a changeless environment.  I really want to scream out ” When do you plan on leaving and going back to your own house?”  I know it is not appropriate so I am using what little energy I got left to not have a meltdown.  I need my space back and I am praying he leaves soon so I can recharge my batteries for tomorrow.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Today I received an email asking me whether or not to disclose to someone that you have Autism.  My answer to this is yes and no depending on the situation.  The reply you provide will either be a help or hindrance so it is best to use discretion wisely.

If you are applying for a job and get called in for an interview DO NOT under any circumstances reveal to a potential employer that you have Autism.  Although companies say they offer equal opportunity employment the reality is people are scared of unknown differences.  When I was interviewing for a position at a well known investment bank I made a mistake in the fifth round of the interview to reveal to the company representative that I was Autistic.  Right after that statement I knew my bridge had burned twice over.  The person’s behavior went from outgoing to standoffish and the environment turned colder than Antarctica.  That following Tuesday I received a phone call from the HR director telling me that “We are sorry but we made a mistake.  There isn’t any position here for you”. I know this is their way of covering their reputation rather than telling me the truth.  One if there was not a position open then there would not be a reason to five rounds.  Secondly, I am sure they do not randomly meet people just for kicks.  I will go to my grave knowing that having Autism was the reason I got denied that job.

If you are in a situation such as living in an on campus apartment where you will be with the same people for eight months out of the year then I think it is fine to divulge this to someone.  However you need to be 1000% sure that the person you are about to tell is really your friend.  Everybody will seem nice at the beginning but it is only a matter of time before ones true colors are exposed.  For me, it took two solid months to decide who my friends were and weed out the ones that were only nice to me because of my possessions.  The first person in the apartment that I felt comfortable telling my secret to was my friend who worked at the Disability office.  After I told someone it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  She told me she already figured it out before I said anything and it was not an issue for her.  In fact she became my on campus “mom” and helped me work out a lot of my problems.

The choice to disclose ones disability is a personal decision they have to make on their own.  I can not give a definite answer because everyone’s story is different.  The best answer I can give is to share my story of both positive and negative results and what I learned from my experiences.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Today during lunch I had an Autism moment that took my coworkers by surprise.  I was spaced out in my own little world watching Sponge Bob Square Pants on my mobile phone when all of a sudden someone dropped an empty bottle on the table.  I got caught off guard as I did not anticipate this occurrence.  I involuntarily jumped and almost fell out of the chair I was sitting in.  I had these reactions before so it was nothing new for me.  Everyone at the table stared at me with a “what the heck was that all about?” look.  They quickly got over it but it was a minute of silent awkwardness. What I did realize today is that regardless of how many interventions I’ve had episodes like this are going to occur.  I can not always prepare myself for it but I can handle myself in an appropriate way.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Today  I am having what I call a “mini” meltdown.  It is not like one of my full blown ones as I am not crying for hours on end.  With a mini I am  feeling frustrated, overstimulated and cranky. Anyway, starting this afternoon my sisters future in-laws are coming over to the house to visit and celebrate Fathers Day.  While everyone is happy and excited I am not liking the idea at all.  I never met them before and the thought of two strangers entering my safe haven is giving me an extremely high level of anxiety. My parents think I am being ridiculous but they simply do not comprehend a few concepts. One I am not being defensive or difficult on purpose I am just trying to protect myself from the pending change that is about to occur.  The second is that socializing is a stressful task for me to begin with and now I am being forced to do it.  Since most of my family rejected  me for being Autistic I learned at a young age to just keep everything bottled up inside and not say too much.  Even to this day when I have to talk to people I get nervous because I don’t know how they will perceive me.  Although my guard is up sky high I am going to try and keep a positive attitude that everything will run smoothly.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

In my opinion life with Autism is one big acting role with out the added bonus of getting paid millions of dollars. Every day is a new movie and I adjust my actions according to the environment around me. For example during the workweek between the hours of 8am and 4pm I have to act like everyone else in the corporate world.  I get to play the part of a constipated person who lost the will for life, fun, and adventure. On top of that I am forced to put on a happy face and be nice to people I truly hate and cant stomach.  This is a total opposite from who I really am but in order to be productive I have to temporarily lock up my free spirited and honest nature. Never an easy task but some how I get the job done.

Even going out to run errands is a production for me. The times when I get  punked into going to Costco (a wholesale store) are the worst.  This place is noisy, crowded, and everyone acts like wild animals that escaped from the zoo.  It is definitely not the ideal spot for a person with Autism.  My sensory issues  go hay wire which only adds to my already high level of anxiety.   I use what little strength I have left to hold it together and not have a public meltdown.  Also the luck I have I’d be taken away in a straight jacket.  I act like everything is perfect and that the obnoxious smells , noises, and lights are not bothering me.   The only good thing is my parents understand that I can only tolerate that place for a total of 15 minutes so they shop fast to get me out of there.

When I come home after being in public  all day I am exhausted in every sense of the word. I need to go back to my own little world where I am most comfortable. If I even try to push myself further I start stimming like crazy.  I will tell you all this one thing though, being Autistic is definitely not a walk in the park.  I am thrown more curve balls and challenges than most people see in their lifetime.  I have a harder life but one in which I would not want to trade in.  I did not ask to have Autism it was a choice God made more me.  Every challenge turned  me  into the strong person I am and that is something no one can take away.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

This weekend I got the opportunity to spend uninterrupted quality time with my grandparents.  Growing up I took their company for granted but as an adult I cherish every moment I get to be with them.  I am lucky to be able to put life on hold to make memories with my family.  I loved that I was able to relive my childhood even if it was only for a few hours.  They spoiled me rotten and as always let me get away with everything.  We even sat down together to watch the Subway Series (Mets VS. Yankees game for those who reside out of NY).  Like all good grandparents they made my favorite food for lunch.  I did not say anything to anyone but it was when we were sitting to eat that I realized all the chances I let slip away when I could have been with them. I am now going to make an honest effort to have more great weekends like this and to visit more often before its too late.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

After countless arguments I finally comprehended the lesson my mother has spent years trying to teach me. I realized that by setting aside 30 minutes to pick out an outfit and pack my bags I had a much calmer morning.  Usually my mornings are spent running around like a crazy person trying to get everything ready before I have to leave for the train. This last minute rushing causes me to become over stimulated and as a result  I lay my frustrations out on my parents who do nothing but try to help me. Today was different and positive experience for me.  I got to eat breakfast at a leisurely pace and still had an extra 15 minutes to relax and watch television.  I was not on overload and for the first time in over a year I did not feel like I needed to take a nap before I started my day.  I made a promise to myself that no matter how lazy I am feeling I will get off my butt and get my stuff out at night as I want to continue to have more peaceful starts to my day.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Over the past two days I have found it extremely difficult to get myself back into the swing of a daily routine.  Normally I try to keep myself to as much of a structured schedule as possible. It helps me feel more in control and better able to deal with unexpected changes.  Unfortunately being out of the office last week I followed no plan and did whatever I wanted .  I figured being at home there was not going to be any last minute surprises and if there was my parents would be here to help me in the event that I had a melt down.  Simple deviations like going to bed at a later hour impacted me when I resumed work on Monday.  I could not take an afternoon nap like i did the last couple of days and today I was sitting at my desk and I felt myself wanting to put my head down. On top of that I had to put on my actors mask and pretend to laugh at everyone’s jokes when all I wanted to have was silence.  Hopefully as the week progresses I will return to my  normal self but until then I do the best I can.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female