The Best Revenge

Sometimes the best revenge you can have against someone trying to embarrass you is to to make them feel stupid.  During the work week my normal routine is to get on the train, take my regular seat next to my commuter friends and fall asleep as I usually do every morning.  On Friday it was business as usual until I jumped out of my skin when the door slammed shut after the conductor left the car. I took a quick look around me only to notice that the gentleman in front of mstarted hysterical laughing and told his partner loud enough so I could hear “What the hell is with that lady? Did you see that?  I can’t believe she reacted that way” Now of course being the type of person I am I was not going to let him get away with this inappropriate behavior and figured it was the perfect time to put the spotlight on him for his lack of humanity. I politely answered what the hell is with me is that I have Autism and I do not always have the ability to control how I react to certain situations such as unpredictable noises like the one that just occurred.  Also I know you think this is hilarious but really your just pure evil for thinking that having a disability is  something that a person has a choice to make.  Needless to say he turned whiter than the ghost of Christmas past and promptly apologized after he got up with his partner to move into another section. Basically the point of my story is that you should never feel bad for things that are out of your control and if someone has an issue with that then the real problem just might be with them. 
 
Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female 

Big City Adventures

This past weekend I put myself up to the ultimate challenge by taking my boyfriend to a sporting event in New York. Normally I try to only stay in my comfort zone but I wanted to prove to myself that it is ok to venture out and try new things. Now don’t let this fool you by thinking it was a spur of the moment decision. It took weeks of planning with my mother to make sure everything was laid out so a meltdown would be avoided. On the day of the game I was as prepared as I was going to be. We left three hours before the event even started leaving us ample time to take the railroad and figure out the subway system before it got too crowded with people. Luckily I made myself screenshots of the subway route so I knew where my stop was as the conductor never made announcements as to where the train was heading. When we got to the stadium, I am not going to lie my first reaction was ” I did it! I actually got us here without getting lost”. My self confidence was soaring as I now know I can do anything with the help of a little preparation and Autism will only stop me if I let it.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Finding a common ground

It’s almost Autism Awareness month and I just can not comprehend  why people are once again allowing themselves to become fixated on whether or not a certain charity organization is a good or bad representation of the Autism Spectrum.  Lets face it everyone is different and we all have our own personalities and viewpoints.  While we don’t all have to agree on subjects in this particular case it is necessary for everyone to put their differences aside and come together for a common goal which is educating society about this intricate way of life.  Most importantly is what kind of mixed message are we sending to the world if we parade around expressing the need for acceptance when in reality we cant even accept and appreciate each other.  We must first welcome and respect one another and our commonalities if we want anyone to hear our voices and take us seriously. 

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

A Little Explanation Never Hurt Anyone

One of the biggest obstacles I have with working amongst nuero-typicals is the way they give out directions.  Yesterday I was given a task from my boss that I didn’t understand so when I went to ask for assistance  he goes “ Do A, B, and C add those together and you get D as the total and then sent me away.  While these instructions would have been adequate to the average person for someone like myself it came across as nothing more than meaningless words.  One if I knew the answer I wouldn’t have bothered asking in the first place and two being a person with Autism I would have gained a fuller understanding of what the step by step methodology was to reach the final result. It is important to remember that each person learns differently and sometimes you need to modify a lesson to meet ones individual need. No one is too busy that they can’t take five minutes out of the day to teach someone the proper way of doing something. A little clarification never hurt any one.  It is better to make sure you get a whole understanding of something before making a mistake and having to start something all over again.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

For my Valentine

Over the past three months I have started dating a wonderful man that treats me like a queen. When we first met each other on a set up blind date I wasn’t really looking for anyone and didn’t really like him either.  I was still guarded from my previous breakup and thus didn’t give him the chance he deserved. After many conversations later I don’t know what happened but we became friends and feelings started to grow. 

He doesn’t care that I have autism and actually helps me work through my off days.  He might possibly know me better than I do as he is usually already aware of when I need quiet time before I say anything.   When we were at his New Years Eve party he could tell that I was becoming overwhelmed and we went outside until I was ready to rejoin the other guests.   

Now that I am in a relationship I finally understand that when you surround yourself with genuine people they will judge you only on personality and if you’re lucky like I am they will help you work on your imperfections.

 

A Different Voice

The most common myth about Autism that really ruffles my feathers states that “people on the Autism Spectrum cannot communicate” I think it is quite sad that we live in a world where technology provides us with information at the ready and yet society still holds tight to old age beliefs.  As an individual who understands Autism all too well, allow me to enlighten you as to how this theory holds no validity

Communication happens in various forms and no one way is better than the next.  The deaf interact by using Sign Language and the blind with Braille. Individuals with Autism are capable of communicating with the world but their method of doing so maybe different.  While many are able to vocalize their thoughts others often benefit from the use of pictorial cards.  It does not really matter at all how one converses; the point is it can be accomplished through years of practice and patience.

Growing up in a large Asian Italian family, social gatherings were inevitable.  Despite the fact that everyone around me seems to live for such occasions, for me it is the second most dreaded item next to a toothache.  For starters, I am by no means a fan of loud noises so when both sides of the family come together it is like a rock band meeting at a New York City protest.  I cannot focus as all I hear is loudness attacking me in every direction. Though only a few family members are able to accept this, I have learned that when I am in situations like the one mentioned about it is safest for me to revert back inside my turtle shell to prevent a meltdown.

Many people do not and may never be able to understand this concept, but it is not always a conscious effort to not speak with someone.  There are numerous times when I feel the need to defend myself against others but I physically cannot do so.  These impediments are beyond my control and I learned the best solution is to just ride it out.  However, it does not mean that I am an idiot and haven’t got a clue as to what is happening in the environment around me. My ability to use my voice may not always work but my ears do. I listen to everything people say about or around me and I have formed opinions to go along with what I’ve heard.  After all, the last time I checked listening was also a key player in the game of socialization.

Although I am a verbal Autistic, the most effective platform of letting others know what I am feeling is through written words.  I’m an open book of ideas and more often than not, my brain acts like the energizer bunny.  Normally, I think faster than I am able to speak which unfortunately results in everything coming out in one garbled message to which no one else quite understands.  To make matters worse, I usually cannot remember what I’ve just said because my mind has already moved onto different subjects. I love the simple fact that writing allows me to jot down anything at the exact moment it pops into my head.  It is not anxiety provoking as having a face to face with someone and I can leisurely take my time to process my thoughts and form them into rational statements that are comprehensible by all.  This might seem to most like a waste of everyone’s time but it is important to remember that some of the greatest people in history used inscriptions to convey their messages.

As one can see there are many variations in which humans express to others how they are feeling.  I think that if people were more open to individuality and embraced ones differences than the world would be a more peaceful place.  All too often, society (myself included) runs away from what scares them and in return end up missing an opportunity to learn something. The most important thing to remember is that just because things are done differently doesn’t mean its wrong.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

Just go with it

On Saturday I had a very difficult time trying to cope with my Autism.  From the minute I stepped out of bed I started to stim.  In my opinion this occurred at the most inopportune time because I had a list of obligations which required me to leave the house.  If there is one thing I am good at it is fighting the fight and pushing forward so that is exactly what I did.

I admit that I love to eat as I find it to be one of the best comforts around.  It does not talk back to me and is almost always the perfect closure to a bad day. Thinking this would provide some sort of resolution my sister and cousin took me to the local pizza shop for a ladies lunch.  While I usually end up feeling better afterword all that was resolved was my hunger level.  I still could not stop stimming and I was getting extremely frustrated.

When I arrived at the hair salon I was exhausted and longed to be home where I can go enter my own world.  Mom did not get food with us so when she saw me her automatic reaction was “What is bothering you because your hands are  shaking”  I told her that I was having one of my “off” days and I could not stop it no matter how hard I tried.  She told me that everyone has their days and that it was okay to feel out of sorts.  I don’t usually like waiting on a normal day so when I am not myself my tolerance is much lower.  Not wanting to get arrested for acting irrationally I picked up a gossip magazine and read the inside articles. I realized that this fluff magazine redirected my focus and for a few minutes I even started to stim a little less.

The minute I arrived at my house I felt as though I had won the state lottery jackpot.  I longed for it all day and now that I was finally in my safe haven I treasured it even more. I was able to stop fighting with myself and go off to a world of my own.   There is something very comforting to me about being home when I have hard day dealing with my Autism.  It is the best place  in the world as I am loved unconditionally without  judgment.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

Fireworks

Happy Birthday America!!!  For many years the fourth of July was a torturous punishment to me.  While I adored the classic family barbecue tradition, I absolutely dreaded the annual neighborhood fireworks show.

Until the time leading up to my middle teens I was never able to get through the day without a meltdown.  I have extreme sensitivity to certain noises and I am definitely not a big fan of booming.  Every year when the festivities began I would lose all control I had over myself.  It was not uncommon  for people to see me running around the house screaming covering my ears.  I remember in the past feeling ashamed at myself that here everyone else around me was having a grand old time and I was not able to do the same.

As I write tonight I am proud to say that while I still do not particularly like the noise that comes with it, I am at a place now where I am comfortable enough to enjoy them with my family.  Do not get me wrong though,  this was not an over night success but rather a result thanks to many years of therapy. Although I complained about going I am thankful now that I went.  Each session I was dragged too I learned how to deal with sounds that bothered me in an appropriate manner.

Trying to find the right intervention is like playing a game of chess.  You need a strategy with a back up plan if the one you tried did not work out.  If you are struggling with a similar situation my best advice would be to keep trying different programs until you find one that works for you.  It is a long process but the end result is well worth the journey.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

Surviving a Wedding Weekend

This past Memorial Day I accomplished more than I could have ever imagined possible.  I made it through three noisy, over stimulating events without having a meltdown.  I am beyond proud of myself and can not wait to share my experiences with the world.

From the minute I awoke out of bed on Saturday it was go time.  To be truly honest the environment around me felt as though I was amid a three-ring circus. We had a jam-packed agenda ahead and everything seemed to be happening faster than the speed of light.  I did not get a good rest the night before so I fought myself all day to push forward and get things done.  After running all over the South Shore of Long Island I was in a mood that was far from festive.  Unfortunately I could not call it a day because I still had a pre-wedding dinner to attend.

When I arrived at the party it took all the strength I had to paste on my happy face mask.  I was extremely tired and wanted nothing more than to be home in my pajamas.  Now the absolute last thing I wanted to do was draw negative attention to myself so I sucked it up and went with it.  I grabbed a glass of caffeinated soda to help knock me out of my coma and slowly started to talk to people when I was ready. I find it works best for me to stay in the background until I feel comfortable enough in with my surroundings before initiating conversations. There is something unnerving about having someone start talking to me the minute I enter a room.  My guard goes up and I usually do not respond back to well.  Apparently I had a better time than I originally planned because before I knew it, it was time to go home.

On Sunday the big event took place that was over a year in the making.  It was my sister and new brother in law’s wedding.  Everything about it was spectacular. The thing I am most proud of is the fact that I did not stim or meltdown for the entire day.  I was able to interact without having  my infamous  ” oh please shut up or make a point already” feeling coming over me.  Even guests who I am far from  fond of did not seem to bother me.  Another accomplishment  I reached was dancing the night away with my family.  Usually I do not feel comfortable enough to let loose and have fun like that but it is definitely something I want to  try to replicate the next time I go out to a social function.

After the last two days have passed I was absolutely burned out and  wanted to retreat back to my comfort zone.  Unfortunately, being the Maid of Honor also meant that I was responsible  for the post wedding breakfast. I tried to stay as long as I could but after an hour I needed to leave.  I informed my mother that I was quitting my job as host and going back to my hotel room to relax.  I am blessed to have understanding parents who let me leave with no questions asked every time I feel like I am nearing the end of my rope.

That weekend was  one of my best learning experience.  I realized that I am a lot stronger than I give my self credit for and with the proper coping skills I can truly accomplish anything.  I know  now that if I was able to get through a whole weekend of social activities than everything else is just icing on the cake.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

Revolving Door of Life

As I continue to experience life I am starting to believe that it is more like a revolving door than a box of chocolates.  Everyday events occur and things change despite my fight to stop them.

The hardest lesson I am currently dealing with is the fact that people will always come and go.  Yesterday, I found out that the man I have a lot of feelings for is leaving to join the armed forces so he can try to create a better life for himself.  Being a good friend , I pretended to be happy though I was upset by this piece of information.  For over a year I have planned my Saturday’s around a time I blocked out just to go visit him.  I became very comfortable with that and I am actually surprising myself by how sad I feel that I will not be able to see him again for a very long time.

While I realize that there will always be changes  I do not think I will ever become accustomed to the feelings I have when it eventually happens. Every change sparks a different reaction so it is hard for me to  pick out just one emotion. As I mature, I hope to understand that while I may be sad when people leave the most important thing is to treasure the moments I get to spend with them when they are around.

Thank you for reading!!!

Autistic Female

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