Autistic Female's Blog

One of my favorite times of the day minus quitting time is noon when I go to lunch with my coworkers.  It is dead smack in the middle of my work day and a nice reminder that I only have a few more hours until I am free.  All kidding aside though my lunch break allows me to unwind and prepare myself to get through the rest of the work day.  Every day at lunch I play a video game on my Nintendo DS or watch TV through my mobile phone.  Even though I know many people my age no longer play video games for me it is a good escape and safety net. Anyone who knows about Autism will tell you that socialization is a stressful task that takes a lot of patience. Since  my job forces me to socialize all day I need that 45 minute break where i can go back into my own little world and have complete silence.   I think my allowing myself down time during lunch plays a big role in my keeping down a full time job.  Bottom line, don’t be embarrassed if you bring a video game or a book of crosswords to work with you.  It may seem silly to others but in the long run your doing yourself a favor.

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Autistic Female

The next couple of days are going to be very interesting for me.  Starting tomorrow my aunt and uncle from out of town are staying at my house with their children for the entire weekend. While I love them the one issue that I always have with them coming over is that I  loose my bedroom forcing me to sleep downstairs in my grandparents apartment. My bedroom is the only spot in the house that I can actually call my own.  It is my safe haven and the place I most look forward to when I come home.  I get to rip off my actors mask and go back into my Autism world where I am most comfortable.  I normally hate when there are people in my safe haven as it feels like an invasion of my space especially if they use and touch my things such as my plasma flat screen HDTV. Soon I’ll be  in a situation where I don’t really have a choice.  I can’t ‘say no because their family and  if I do I’ll be hearing about how rude I am until the day I meet Jesus.  Hopefully during the day they will go out somewhere and I can have at least an hour by myself to unwind. I will keep you all posted.

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Autistic Female

Today I learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of doing.  I was assigned a project to work on with a fellow  coworker.  Usually I tend to do the best work when I am doing it alone so I was a little unsure of how a group project was going to turn out.  Much to my surprise though it actually turned out to be a successful adventure and a great learning experience for me.  I learned that I can go with the flow in a group situation.  I divided everything in half so no one was stuck with doing more work. It was easier to share the responsibility instead of taking on the full work load. It took an hour to get everything done and then I was free to do whatever I wanted. Most importantly though I was able to keep my need for perfection in check without going overboard. This showed a huge growth in maturity for me. In the past if I did not like the work someone did I would throw it out and do it over because I didn’t want to hand in anything crappy . Since this is the first professional group project I have worked on I accepted the results for what it was.  I did not change any of his work because he worked just as hard as I did and it would have reflected poorly on my part.

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Autistic Female

Since trying to blend in with the world is a full time job for me there are many coping skills I’ve learned along the way to help me on my journey. One of the best mechanisms for whenever I feel anxious or think I am going to have a meltdown is text messaging.  Luckily I have unlimited texts otherwise I would hate to see my phone bill.  When I am not in the safety zone of my parents or sister this is the next best thing for me.  It allows me to be in contact with them and vent out my frustrations in an appropriate way  when they are not with me.  The moment I leave the house for work to until the minute I get home all hands ( or in this case cell phones) are on deck. I can text them at any time and know that they will pick up my calls.

One day this week the express train I take every day decided to add additional stops on the way to Penn Station which caused me to be 20 minutes late to work.  I was annoyed and unprepared for this and it was the last thing I wanted to deal with in the morning. As you know a change in routine and structure is devastating for a person on the Autism Spectrum.  Instead of screaming at the man sitting in the next aisle who was annoying me by eating I grabbed my phone out of my bag and started texting my mother.  It was my life line and helped me ease my anxiety which got me through the rest of the train ride.  Basically texting has become like air for me. I can’t live with out it .

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Autistic Female

Despite all of the interventions I have had the one challenge that is still difficult for me is holding it together when I am out in public.  This week has been nothing shy of mentally exhausting and I can not wait for the weekend. My sensory issues have decided to run in overdrive and I can’t  process  all the stimulus that is being thrown at me from all directions.

Today at work I found it extremely hard to keep my composure and be nice to my coworkers.  I wanted nothing more than to have a meltdown and go home.  My ears are super sensitive and for whatever reason the simplest noises such as someone typing too loud on the keyboard drove me nuts.  I couldn’t focus on anything because in my head all I heard was the volume of everything else around me.  I also think that I had a sign on my back that said everyone come bother me. I mean if my boss came up to my desk and talked to me one more time I thought I was going to have to take my stapler and shut her yapper for her.  Of course as tempting as this was I knew I could not do that so I was forced to put on my actors mask and pretend like I gave a rats about what she was saying.

I left work at my normal time and I cant even begin to tell you all how exhausted I was by the end of the day.  I had a large coffee from Starbucks along with a half  of a can of diet coke and I still felt like I got ran over by a bus.  I was in a bad mood from having to act all day and to boot I still had to take the train.  Thank God I am finally home in my safe haven where I can relax with complete silence.
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Autistic Female

Today I did something I have not done in a very long time.  I did a good deed and helped someone other than myself. Usually I only do things if it affects me directly but I actually did enjoy helping out a family friend. After all they have done for me over the years I felt it was only right to return the favor. Basically the point I’m trying to make is once in a while take a step back and lend a hand to someone else.  You never know what a person’s story is or what is currently going on in their life. Even if you do something as simple as giving a poor person spare change, you can brighten thier spirits.  Also I have learned that helping others does gain me something in return. I got the good feeling of pride that I am lucky enough to be in a position where I can make someone else’s day a little bit brighter.

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Autistic Female

Today at work I was assigned another big project to work on.  At first I was excited because I thought finally they realize my talents but as I settled down, my anxiety came to knock on the front door.  A million thoughts ran through my head along with a side order of self doubt.  While I believe I’m good at what I do , I worry too much about what other people think of my work.  I don’t take failure or rejection well and my worst fear is that someone is going to come up to me and say my work does not meet their standards.

Being given my second project I can take the mistakes I have made the first time to change the way I navigate my way to through the assignment.   I will most definitely ask questions if I need clarification on a certain task before I tackle what needs to be done.  I can save my sanity by fixing issues in the beginning instead of having to start over at the end. I hope all this goes well but I will have to wait and see.

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Autistic Female

Over the past few years I have been able to successfully overcome many road blocks with my Autism.  However the one mountain I  have not get been able to climb is getting a  drivers license.  I tried a few times in the past which was disastrous as I  have fallen flat on my face.  Although I am a very good driver when I am with people I feel comfortable with , I can’t seem to hold it together long enough to pass a road test.  I have a hard time dealing with changes outside of my comfort zone and as a result I start getting defensive as a way to protect myself.  Being around people is a challenge for me until I get use to them but having a total stranger who I never met enter my car barking orders at me sends my sensory issue and anxiety into overdrive and as a result I start arguing with the examiner.

It has been almost 4 years since I have last taken a road test and recently my Autism specialist informed me that he thinks it is time I try again to aim for the goal of a drivers license.   I didn’t like this idea and almost fell right out of the chair I was sitting in.  I don’t have warm fuzzy feelings when it comes to driving and all of my disastrous adventures associated with it came flooding back to me.  Though I have grown up a lot   in the last four years I still have the same issues which I don’t think anyone one including the specialist understands.  Of course neither him or my family really listens to me anyway so they are all going to hock me to China until i get the stupid piece of paper from the state.  I will try again and hope for the best but if I don’t succeed I am going to blame all of them.

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Autistic Female

This weekend is going to be very interesting and hectic.  On Saturday I have an out of town family party which means on Friday after work I have to change into a pair of sweats and travel 4 hours in a car to PA.  Although I am excited to go a small part of me keeps going this could turn out to be an over stimulating disaster.  There is going to be a lot of people, noise and movement and it will not be like home where I have a safe haven to run to. Typically family gatherings are an issue for me as I don’t really understand them and they don’t get me either. For the first time ever I am going to keep a positive attitude that things will run smoothly without me having an Autistic meltdown.  It’s a goal I made for myself and I want to try to reach it.  I will let you all know how it goes.

Thanks for reading!

Autistic Female