Autistic Female's Blog

Today I received an email asking me whether or not to disclose to someone that you have Autism.  My answer to this is yes and no depending on the situation.  The reply you provide will either be a help or hindrance so it is best to use discretion wisely.

If you are applying for a job and get called in for an interview DO NOT under any circumstances reveal to a potential employer that you have Autism.  Although companies say they offer equal opportunity employment the reality is people are scared of unknown differences.  When I was interviewing for a position at a well known investment bank I made a mistake in the fifth round of the interview to reveal to the company representative that I was Autistic.  Right after that statement I knew my bridge had burned twice over.  The person’s behavior went from outgoing to standoffish and the environment turned colder than Antarctica.  That following Tuesday I received a phone call from the HR director telling me that “We are sorry but we made a mistake.  There isn’t any position here for you”. I know this is their way of covering their reputation rather than telling me the truth.  One if there was not a position open then there would not be a reason to five rounds.  Secondly, I am sure they do not randomly meet people just for kicks.  I will go to my grave knowing that having Autism was the reason I got denied that job.

If you are in a situation such as living in an on campus apartment where you will be with the same people for eight months out of the year then I think it is fine to divulge this to someone.  However you need to be 1000% sure that the person you are about to tell is really your friend.  Everybody will seem nice at the beginning but it is only a matter of time before ones true colors are exposed.  For me, it took two solid months to decide who my friends were and weed out the ones that were only nice to me because of my possessions.  The first person in the apartment that I felt comfortable telling my secret to was my friend who worked at the Disability office.  After I told someone it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  She told me she already figured it out before I said anything and it was not an issue for her.  In fact she became my on campus “mom” and helped me work out a lot of my problems.

The choice to disclose ones disability is a personal decision they have to make on their own.  I can not give a definite answer because everyone’s story is different.  The best answer I can give is to share my story of both positive and negative results and what I learned from my experiences.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Today during lunch I had an Autism moment that took my coworkers by surprise.  I was spaced out in my own little world watching Sponge Bob Square Pants on my mobile phone when all of a sudden someone dropped an empty bottle on the table.  I got caught off guard as I did not anticipate this occurrence.  I involuntarily jumped and almost fell out of the chair I was sitting in.  I had these reactions before so it was nothing new for me.  Everyone at the table stared at me with a “what the heck was that all about?” look.  They quickly got over it but it was a minute of silent awkwardness. What I did realize today is that regardless of how many interventions I’ve had episodes like this are going to occur.  I can not always prepare myself for it but I can handle myself in an appropriate way.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Today  I am having what I call a “mini” meltdown.  It is not like one of my full blown ones as I am not crying for hours on end.  With a mini I am  feeling frustrated, overstimulated and cranky. Anyway, starting this afternoon my sisters future in-laws are coming over to the house to visit and celebrate Fathers Day.  While everyone is happy and excited I am not liking the idea at all.  I never met them before and the thought of two strangers entering my safe haven is giving me an extremely high level of anxiety. My parents think I am being ridiculous but they simply do not comprehend a few concepts. One I am not being defensive or difficult on purpose I am just trying to protect myself from the pending change that is about to occur.  The second is that socializing is a stressful task for me to begin with and now I am being forced to do it.  Since most of my family rejected  me for being Autistic I learned at a young age to just keep everything bottled up inside and not say too much.  Even to this day when I have to talk to people I get nervous because I don’t know how they will perceive me.  Although my guard is up sky high I am going to try and keep a positive attitude that everything will run smoothly.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

In my opinion life with Autism is one big acting role with out the added bonus of getting paid millions of dollars. Every day is a new movie and I adjust my actions according to the environment around me. For example during the workweek between the hours of 8am and 4pm I have to act like everyone else in the corporate world.  I get to play the part of a constipated person who lost the will for life, fun, and adventure. On top of that I am forced to put on a happy face and be nice to people I truly hate and cant stomach.  This is a total opposite from who I really am but in order to be productive I have to temporarily lock up my free spirited and honest nature. Never an easy task but some how I get the job done.

Even going out to run errands is a production for me. The times when I get  punked into going to Costco (a wholesale store) are the worst.  This place is noisy, crowded, and everyone acts like wild animals that escaped from the zoo.  It is definitely not the ideal spot for a person with Autism.  My sensory issues  go hay wire which only adds to my already high level of anxiety.   I use what little strength I have left to hold it together and not have a public meltdown.  Also the luck I have I’d be taken away in a straight jacket.  I act like everything is perfect and that the obnoxious smells , noises, and lights are not bothering me.   The only good thing is my parents understand that I can only tolerate that place for a total of 15 minutes so they shop fast to get me out of there.

When I come home after being in public  all day I am exhausted in every sense of the word. I need to go back to my own little world where I am most comfortable. If I even try to push myself further I start stimming like crazy.  I will tell you all this one thing though, being Autistic is definitely not a walk in the park.  I am thrown more curve balls and challenges than most people see in their lifetime.  I have a harder life but one in which I would not want to trade in.  I did not ask to have Autism it was a choice God made more me.  Every challenge turned  me  into the strong person I am and that is something no one can take away.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

This weekend I got the opportunity to spend uninterrupted quality time with my grandparents.  Growing up I took their company for granted but as an adult I cherish every moment I get to be with them.  I am lucky to be able to put life on hold to make memories with my family.  I loved that I was able to relive my childhood even if it was only for a few hours.  They spoiled me rotten and as always let me get away with everything.  We even sat down together to watch the Subway Series (Mets VS. Yankees game for those who reside out of NY).  Like all good grandparents they made my favorite food for lunch.  I did not say anything to anyone but it was when we were sitting to eat that I realized all the chances I let slip away when I could have been with them. I am now going to make an honest effort to have more great weekends like this and to visit more often before its too late.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

After countless arguments I finally comprehended the lesson my mother has spent years trying to teach me. I realized that by setting aside 30 minutes to pick out an outfit and pack my bags I had a much calmer morning.  Usually my mornings are spent running around like a crazy person trying to get everything ready before I have to leave for the train. This last minute rushing causes me to become over stimulated and as a result  I lay my frustrations out on my parents who do nothing but try to help me. Today was different and positive experience for me.  I got to eat breakfast at a leisurely pace and still had an extra 15 minutes to relax and watch television.  I was not on overload and for the first time in over a year I did not feel like I needed to take a nap before I started my day.  I made a promise to myself that no matter how lazy I am feeling I will get off my butt and get my stuff out at night as I want to continue to have more peaceful starts to my day.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Over the past two days I have found it extremely difficult to get myself back into the swing of a daily routine.  Normally I try to keep myself to as much of a structured schedule as possible. It helps me feel more in control and better able to deal with unexpected changes.  Unfortunately being out of the office last week I followed no plan and did whatever I wanted .  I figured being at home there was not going to be any last minute surprises and if there was my parents would be here to help me in the event that I had a melt down.  Simple deviations like going to bed at a later hour impacted me when I resumed work on Monday.  I could not take an afternoon nap like i did the last couple of days and today I was sitting at my desk and I felt myself wanting to put my head down. On top of that I had to put on my actors mask and pretend to laugh at everyone’s jokes when all I wanted to have was silence.  Hopefully as the week progresses I will return to my  normal self but until then I do the best I can.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

On Saturday my aunt and uncle from out of town came over with their children to visit for the weekend. Usually when they come over the house becomes a three ring circus and the noise level magnifies by a thousand decibels. Surprisingly, everything remained calm and I can honestly say I loved being in their company.  After being cooped up in the house all week like a prisoner it was very refreshing to go out and take part once again in everyday activities.   I don’t know if it was my need to stop being a hermit but everything I did with them was a lot of fun.  For example, this afternoon everyone went to the city to celebrate my Grandmother’s birthday.  The initial thought that entered my head was ” Oh God this is going to be so stressful and the last thing I want to do before I return back to work”  I was wrong.  It was far from what I thought and it was a great outing for all.  Though I may complain about their visits, at the end of the day we are all still family and I secretly love all the craziness they bring with them.  Well I have to leave now so I can get ready to go back to work tomorrow.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

This week I was ordered to stay home because of my out of control Asthma. I  figured it was going to be the best time ever as I get to be myself without putting on my actors mask.  What I learned though contradicted the initial thoughts that I had.  I realized that while I do cherish the moments I get to be alone, a small part of me needs to get outside and interact with the world around me.  From a readers standpoint this probably comes across as funny seeing how I always write how I find social situations stressful but it really is true.   I felt out of the loop on everything that was happening outside of my house.  Normally I go to work where I gossip the whole day away with my coworkers.  I had no one to interact with except my parents and even that started to bore me to tears.  I find it funny how something I use to fight against quickly become a necessity for me.  It confirms for me how all of my current interventions and hard work is finally starting to pay off.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

So its 10:00 on Friday night and instead of hitting up the bars like most people my age are doing I am laying in bed watching the Ghost Adventures marathon.  I must admit though that this is one part of Autism that I do not like. I am in my twenties and I should be out living life not laying around the house like some old lady.  Unfortunately, by the end of the work week I am so drained that I don’t  have any energy left over to do anything.  Granted everyone is tired at the end of the week but for an Autistic person its a different type of exhaustion. Aside from my job I also get the added bonus of trying to blend in the crowd because lets face it,  the society we live in does not take kindly to ones differences. It’s not like I can home to take a nap and then go out later.  I attempted to do that a few times and even after a long sleep I couldn’t get myself to muster up enough strength to put my actors mask back on.  While I do the best I can with the hand I have been dealt  in the future I hope to eventually find a balance where I can socialize and work at the same time.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female