Autistic Female's Blog

Here is a few helpful hints I found that I thought would be beneficial for all to read.  Information is courtesy of http://www.opposingviews.com

1. TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL HEALTH FIRST

For all parents, there are some issues that, if not examined and resolved, will likely interfere in their ability to facilitate positive development in their child. A major issue to contend with is the loss and mourning of the child they fantasized about and all the concomitant fantasies such as, “I wanted my daughter to be a ballerina,” or “I hoped my son would have a chance at the major leagues.” The expectations they had for their child – including college, marriage, and procreation – are no longer “givens.” Suddenly parents are faced with the possibility that their child may be dependent on them for quite some time, if not for his/her entire life. What happens when the parents are no longer able to care for the child? In a flash, parents are flooded with having to learn about a disability they had never or only vaguely heard of. They encounter professionals, teachers, doctors, and other individuals who, although they may be pleasant and knowledgeable, they would rather not have to deal with these professionals in the first place! All of this occurs while parents are grieving. It is sometimes very tempting to launch into a knowledge acquisition phase and ignore their most important feelings—the loss of the typically developing child they once dreamed about. If you take care of your own emotional well-being first, you’ll have lots more energy to move into the next stages.

Parents whose child becomes disabled some time after a period of “normalcy” have yet another emotional burden to deal with—betrayal. They thought they had a “normal” child and suddenly, their whole world gets thrown into confusion.

For parents to be effective in guiding the development of their child with autism, it is very important for them to work through their own emotional reactions. Both parents as individuals, and the marriage, will be affected by the child’s developmental challenges. Seek professional help as soon as you can, to ensure that you can give your best to your child.

2. OBSERVE! TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN ABOUT YOUR CHILD’S EMOTIONAL RESPONSE SETS TO A VARIETY OF SITUATIONS, INCLUDING HIS/HER REACTIONS TO YOU.

The next common challenge that faces most parents of children with autism involves the child’s emotional reaction to the parent. Research has proven that as a species, we are innately programmed to respond to vulnerable creatures (i.e., young children and young animals) because they are programmed to elicit a response in us. Developmentally challenged infants and toddlers do not necessarily provide us with the responses that trigger our innate impulses to care for them. Some children initially don’t respond much at all (i.e., the flacid, passive baby), others have responses that we don’t understand (i.e., the colicky, non-cuddly baby), and many respond in a different way every time the parent approaches. These unexpected response styles create confusion and a sense of inadequacy in many parents.

What do you do? Spend time observing your child. All parents do this instinctually. But, as parents of a child with autism, it is important to remind yourself on a regular basis that, although your child is not responding in the way you thought she would, she still is responding. You’ll need to don the role of detective, discovering clues and solutions to obtaining optimal responses from your child.

Find out what gives your child pleasure and what turns your child off. Even a non-response is a response. It usually means that the baby/child is in some way uncomfortable with the approach or with the stimuli, and instinctually pulls away for protection. Watch how he reacts to various people, places and things. Keep a diary or a record; you’ll start to discover patterns of behavior that will be clues for you. Learn to adapt yourself to your child’s changing moods. Most of all remind yourself everyday that whatever your child’s emotional responses may be, they do not mean that you are a failure.

3. FOLLOW YOUR CHILD’S LEAD! PARTICIPATE WITH YOUR CHILD IN THOSE ACTIVITIES THAT BRING HIM PLEASURE—EVEN IF IT FEELS STRANGE TO YOU.

Joining your child in his world requires an essential parenting skill—imitate and follow. Don’t make demands, don’t ask him to perform (i.e., “What color is this?” or “What does a cow say?”), and don’t direct the play. While it may sound simple, it’s not! As parents we all want to feel proud of what our children know. We get great pleasure in asking them to show off, especially in front of other people so they can see what great parents we are. However, most children don’t like to be drilled (nor do adults, for that matter), and when too much of this occurs, the child with autism may simply withdraw, or do the opposite, have a tantrum. Truly joining in your child’s world gives him the feeling that you treasure what comes from inside of him, not only what you draw out of him. It says to him, “I’m so delighted in you that I’m going to sit here with you and watch what you do, do it alongside you, and wonder with you why this is so fascinating.” Granted, as parents we will always be tickled by our child’s responses to our approaches or our questions, but expecting too much of this will backfire on you. Instead, join in, talk about what you and the child are doing (i.e., “Boy, these rays of sunlight on the floor are really interesting.” or “You really like the sound of that block banging on the table.”). Finally, don’t be afraid to add to the play with your own creations in the hope that your child will someday become interested in you, too. If your child has limited awareness of others, you can gently create situations in the play to get your child to notice you. For example, if he is building with blocks, you might “accidentally” knock them over then help build them up again.

Most children with autism have special interests. Parents are often encouraged by professionals to distract the child from their particular special interest. However, sometimes making use of that special interest is a great way to achieve long periods of engagement with your child. There is a fine line between discouraging a child’s special interest and passing along the message that what interests him is of no interest to you. Encouraging the child’s interest can lead to emotional engagement and provide the child with the sense of being valued.

4. FEELINGS TALK! PUT WORDS TO YOUR CHILD’S FEELINGS.

Whenever possible, label your child’s feelings for him. Children who are able to identify their internal experiences have a better sense of who they are. Many children with special needs have a difficult time identifying abstract concepts, and feelings are abstract. Therefore, as a young child learning about the world and about himself, one important area of learning has to do with emotions. When you set limits and your child exhibits anger (i.e., throwing things, tantrumming, etc.), one of the first things you can do is label the emotion—“You’re so mad when mommy says you have to stop playing.” You may, of course, need to make other interventions, but don’t forget to label that feeling—even for young infants!

5. POSITIVELY PRAISE! PRAISE YOUR CHILD’S APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.

As a parent it is easy to fall into the criticism trap, especially when we are overwhelmed and faced with difficult behaviors. However, it is important to remember basic behavioral principles: whatever behavior you pay attention to – and attention can be either positive or negative – will increase. Therefore, if you are criticizing and not praising, the behavior you criticize will increase. However, if you praise, praise, praise the positive, you’ll get more of it. Sometimes it’s helpful to put yourself on a behavioral program—challenge yourself to praise your child every 2-3 minutes. Statements such as, “I like the way you’re playing with your toys,” or “I like the voice you used to ask for a cookie,” will go a long way towards reducing the frequency of banging, throwing, and whining. Think of praising your infant or child as providing her with a “gleaming” mirror of herself in the gleam in your eyes when you look at her, in the gentleness of your voice when you talk to her, or in the soothing sense of your touch (does your child like a soft or a firm touch?). Let your child know that she is loveable and worthwhile at least 100 times each day!

6. CAPITALIZE ON SPECIAL-NESS! FIND OUT WHAT IS SPECIAL AND UNIQUE ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND CAPITALIZE ON IT.

Your child may have special needs and he may be different from other children, but he is also special in his own ways. It’s your job to figure out where he’s special. Once you do, capitalize on opportunities to let him experience his special-ness. For example, if he loves numbers, engage in activities where he can be the “smart” one and find the numbers needed. Whenever your child proudly brings you a “gem”—a lump of playdough, a scribble on a paper, etc.—act as if it is the most precious thing you’ve ever received. You may feel disappointment because you wish this product were more representative or age-appropriate. The most difficult thing you may have to learn is to keep a check on your expectations. You’ll soon learn when to push for more and when to put your child’s self-esteem before your own expectations.

7. READ EMOTIONAL SIGNALS! RESPOND TO YOUR CHILD’S DEPENDENCY NEEDS AND ASSERTIVENESS BY KNOWING WHEN YOUR CHILD NEEDS YOUR WARMTH AND WHEN YOUR CHILD NEEDS YOU TO LET HIM GROW.

Reading emotional signals can be tricky even with the typically developing child. It’s even more of a challenge to read emotional signals from children with autism. Yet, many parents overlook that signals are being sent out. Compounding the situation is the guilt that some parents of special needs children also carry around. It can get in the way of responding in a developmentally appropriate manner. At times your child may need to be dependent on you—he may need reassurance or want to be close. At other times your child may be struggling but needs you to be able to tolerate her struggle in order for her to grow. There is a fine line between hovering/overprotection and under-protection. In order to achieve competence in this area, parents may have to examine their own reactions to dependency and autonomy, both to their child and to other people in their environment. Have an open mind about yourself, get lots of reality checks by asking others to provide you with feedback, and be willing to bear a little of your child’s suffering along with her so that she can grow.

8. ADJUST YOUR LEVELS! KEEP YOUR INTERACTIONS AT THE CHILD’S PHYSICAL AND DEVELOPMENTAL LEVEL.

Whenever you talk to your child, give directions, set limits, etc., do it in a way that will be meaningful for your child. Squat down to make sure your child can see your face when you talk to her. Make sure you have the child’s attention before starting to speak: use the words “look at me” to cue your child every time, if you have to. However, remember that eye contact is not an appropriate expectation of some children with autism. Talk to your child at her developmental level. For infants use simple one to two word phrases. Keep your commands simple; use the same words each time you speak them. Whenever possible use visual cues, but watch for signals that your child doesn’t need them anymore. For example, if you give verbal directions and always point, you’ll never know if your child truly understands your language or is relying on your visual cues to assist in comprehension. Gradually “fade out” the visuals when it’s appropriate. It may be helpful to work with your child’s teachers on this. Many children with special needs have problems with sequencing and/or processing auditory and/or verbal information. It is important to learn about your child’s different ways of learning and to respect those when interacting with her. If you approach your child in a manner that is too difficult for her, she may become frustrated, and may feel as if you, and the world, don’t understand how she operates.

9. WAIT! DON’T REPEAT YOUR INSTRUCTIONS OVER AND OVER.

Many children with autism have delays in response time. It takes longer for their brains to register an interaction and then decide how to respond. Learn to wait for your child’s response. Most parents—even parents of typical children—tend to repeat themselves, as if giving an instruction several times will get the child to do it quicker! If your child has a processing delay, as he is working through the instruction you gave him the first time, he gets interrupted by the second and third times you deliver the same instruction. He may get confused and shut down. For children with autism it is important to deliver an instruction and wait—as much as 30 seconds (which can feel like a lifetime!)—before delivering the same instruction. More often than not, you’ll find that your child will respond appropriately, if you give him the time he needs to process what you’ve said. Then, of course, you’ll praise him, tell him how great he is, and he’ll feel like the king of the world!

10. ASK FOR HELP! HOW TO KNOW WHEN TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

As you move into the world of special needs, you will find yourself surrounded by professionals and specialists. Use them freely to ask questions, clarify confusions, and get advice. Prior to visiting with a professional, make a list of all your questions. That way you’re sure not to forget anything. Finally, know when to seek professional help for your child by keeping your eyes open to some of the following symptoms/behaviors: sudden, inexplicable mood changes; newly observed regressive behavior (clinging, bedwetting, separation/school anxiety); excessive tantrumming; changes in sleeping or eating patterns; a general lack of motivation or enthusiasm about anything; or any other symptoms/behaviors that don’t “sit well” with you. You know your child better than anyone else; you have good instincts about what’s “normal” for him and what isn’t. Follow your instincts, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Taking this step can ensure a positive future for both you and your child.

One of my favorite times of the day minus quitting time is noon when I go to lunch with my coworkers.  It is dead smack in the middle of my work day and a nice reminder that I only have a few more hours until I am free.  All kidding aside though my lunch break allows me to unwind and prepare myself to get through the rest of the work day.  Every day at lunch I play a video game on my Nintendo DS or watch TV through my mobile phone.  Even though I know many people my age no longer play video games for me it is a good escape and safety net. Anyone who knows about Autism will tell you that socialization is a stressful task that takes a lot of patience. Since  my job forces me to socialize all day I need that 45 minute break where i can go back into my own little world and have complete silence.   I think my allowing myself down time during lunch plays a big role in my keeping down a full time job.  Bottom line, don’t be embarrassed if you bring a video game or a book of crosswords to work with you.  It may seem silly to others but in the long run your doing yourself a favor.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

The next couple of days are going to be very interesting for me.  Starting tomorrow my aunt and uncle from out of town are staying at my house with their children for the entire weekend. While I love them the one issue that I always have with them coming over is that I  loose my bedroom forcing me to sleep downstairs in my grandparents apartment. My bedroom is the only spot in the house that I can actually call my own.  It is my safe haven and the place I most look forward to when I come home.  I get to rip off my actors mask and go back into my Autism world where I am most comfortable.  I normally hate when there are people in my safe haven as it feels like an invasion of my space especially if they use and touch my things such as my plasma flat screen HDTV. Soon I’ll be  in a situation where I don’t really have a choice.  I can’t ‘say no because their family and  if I do I’ll be hearing about how rude I am until the day I meet Jesus.  Hopefully during the day they will go out somewhere and I can have at least an hour by myself to unwind. I will keep you all posted.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Today I learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of doing.  I was assigned a project to work on with a fellow  coworker.  Usually I tend to do the best work when I am doing it alone so I was a little unsure of how a group project was going to turn out.  Much to my surprise though it actually turned out to be a successful adventure and a great learning experience for me.  I learned that I can go with the flow in a group situation.  I divided everything in half so no one was stuck with doing more work. It was easier to share the responsibility instead of taking on the full work load. It took an hour to get everything done and then I was free to do whatever I wanted. Most importantly though I was able to keep my need for perfection in check without going overboard. This showed a huge growth in maturity for me. In the past if I did not like the work someone did I would throw it out and do it over because I didn’t want to hand in anything crappy . Since this is the first professional group project I have worked on I accepted the results for what it was.  I did not change any of his work because he worked just as hard as I did and it would have reflected poorly on my part.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Since trying to blend in with the world is a full time job for me there are many coping skills I’ve learned along the way to help me on my journey. One of the best mechanisms for whenever I feel anxious or think I am going to have a meltdown is text messaging.  Luckily I have unlimited texts otherwise I would hate to see my phone bill.  When I am not in the safety zone of my parents or sister this is the next best thing for me.  It allows me to be in contact with them and vent out my frustrations in an appropriate way  when they are not with me.  The moment I leave the house for work to until the minute I get home all hands ( or in this case cell phones) are on deck. I can text them at any time and know that they will pick up my calls.

One day this week the express train I take every day decided to add additional stops on the way to Penn Station which caused me to be 20 minutes late to work.  I was annoyed and unprepared for this and it was the last thing I wanted to deal with in the morning. As you know a change in routine and structure is devastating for a person on the Autism Spectrum.  Instead of screaming at the man sitting in the next aisle who was annoying me by eating I grabbed my phone out of my bag and started texting my mother.  It was my life line and helped me ease my anxiety which got me through the rest of the train ride.  Basically texting has become like air for me. I can’t live with out it .

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Despite all of the interventions I have had the one challenge that is still difficult for me is holding it together when I am out in public.  This week has been nothing shy of mentally exhausting and I can not wait for the weekend. My sensory issues have decided to run in overdrive and I can’t  process  all the stimulus that is being thrown at me from all directions.

Today at work I found it extremely hard to keep my composure and be nice to my coworkers.  I wanted nothing more than to have a meltdown and go home.  My ears are super sensitive and for whatever reason the simplest noises such as someone typing too loud on the keyboard drove me nuts.  I couldn’t focus on anything because in my head all I heard was the volume of everything else around me.  I also think that I had a sign on my back that said everyone come bother me. I mean if my boss came up to my desk and talked to me one more time I thought I was going to have to take my stapler and shut her yapper for her.  Of course as tempting as this was I knew I could not do that so I was forced to put on my actors mask and pretend like I gave a rats about what she was saying.

I left work at my normal time and I cant even begin to tell you all how exhausted I was by the end of the day.  I had a large coffee from Starbucks along with a half  of a can of diet coke and I still felt like I got ran over by a bus.  I was in a bad mood from having to act all day and to boot I still had to take the train.  Thank God I am finally home in my safe haven where I can relax with complete silence.
Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

Today I did something I have not done in a very long time.  I did a good deed and helped someone other than myself. Usually I only do things if it affects me directly but I actually did enjoy helping out a family friend. After all they have done for me over the years I felt it was only right to return the favor. Basically the point I’m trying to make is once in a while take a step back and lend a hand to someone else.  You never know what a person’s story is or what is currently going on in their life. Even if you do something as simple as giving a poor person spare change, you can brighten thier spirits.  Also I have learned that helping others does gain me something in return. I got the good feeling of pride that I am lucky enough to be in a position where I can make someone else’s day a little bit brighter.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Today at work I was assigned another big project to work on.  At first I was excited because I thought finally they realize my talents but as I settled down, my anxiety came to knock on the front door.  A million thoughts ran through my head along with a side order of self doubt.  While I believe I’m good at what I do , I worry too much about what other people think of my work.  I don’t take failure or rejection well and my worst fear is that someone is going to come up to me and say my work does not meet their standards.

Being given my second project I can take the mistakes I have made the first time to change the way I navigate my way to through the assignment.   I will most definitely ask questions if I need clarification on a certain task before I tackle what needs to be done.  I can save my sanity by fixing issues in the beginning instead of having to start over at the end. I hope all this goes well but I will have to wait and see.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Over the past few years I have been able to successfully overcome many road blocks with my Autism.  However the one mountain I  have not get been able to climb is getting a  drivers license.  I tried a few times in the past which was disastrous as I  have fallen flat on my face.  Although I am a very good driver when I am with people I feel comfortable with , I can’t seem to hold it together long enough to pass a road test.  I have a hard time dealing with changes outside of my comfort zone and as a result I start getting defensive as a way to protect myself.  Being around people is a challenge for me until I get use to them but having a total stranger who I never met enter my car barking orders at me sends my sensory issue and anxiety into overdrive and as a result I start arguing with the examiner.

It has been almost 4 years since I have last taken a road test and recently my Autism specialist informed me that he thinks it is time I try again to aim for the goal of a drivers license.   I didn’t like this idea and almost fell right out of the chair I was sitting in.  I don’t have warm fuzzy feelings when it comes to driving and all of my disastrous adventures associated with it came flooding back to me.  Though I have grown up a lot   in the last four years I still have the same issues which I don’t think anyone one including the specialist understands.  Of course neither him or my family really listens to me anyway so they are all going to hock me to China until i get the stupid piece of paper from the state.  I will try again and hope for the best but if I don’t succeed I am going to blame all of them.

Thanks for reading!!

Autistic Female

This weekend is going to be very interesting and hectic.  On Saturday I have an out of town family party which means on Friday after work I have to change into a pair of sweats and travel 4 hours in a car to PA.  Although I am excited to go a small part of me keeps going this could turn out to be an over stimulating disaster.  There is going to be a lot of people, noise and movement and it will not be like home where I have a safe haven to run to. Typically family gatherings are an issue for me as I don’t really understand them and they don’t get me either. For the first time ever I am going to keep a positive attitude that things will run smoothly without me having an Autistic meltdown.  It’s a goal I made for myself and I want to try to reach it.  I will let you all know how it goes.

Thanks for reading!

Autistic Female