Autistic Female's Blog

Despite all of the interventions I have had the one challenge that is still difficult for me is holding it together when I am out in public.  This week has been nothing shy of mentally exhausting and I can not wait for the weekend. My sensory issues have decided to run in overdrive and I can’t  process  all the stimulus that is being thrown at me from all directions.

Today at work I found it extremely hard to keep my composure and be nice to my coworkers.  I wanted nothing more than to have a meltdown and go home.  My ears are super sensitive and for whatever reason the simplest noises such as someone typing too loud on the keyboard drove me nuts.  I couldn’t focus on anything because in my head all I heard was the volume of everything else around me.  I also think that I had a sign on my back that said everyone come bother me. I mean if my boss came up to my desk and talked to me one more time I thought I was going to have to take my stapler and shut her yapper for her.  Of course as tempting as this was I knew I could not do that so I was forced to put on my actors mask and pretend like I gave a rats about what she was saying.

I left work at my normal time and I cant even begin to tell you all how exhausted I was by the end of the day.  I had a large coffee from Starbucks along with a half  of a can of diet coke and I still felt like I got ran over by a bus.  I was in a bad mood from having to act all day and to boot I still had to take the train.  Thank God I am finally home in my safe haven where I can relax with complete silence.
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Autistic Female

Today I did something I have not done in a very long time.  I did a good deed and helped someone other than myself. Usually I only do things if it affects me directly but I actually did enjoy helping out a family friend. After all they have done for me over the years I felt it was only right to return the favor. Basically the point I’m trying to make is once in a while take a step back and lend a hand to someone else.  You never know what a person’s story is or what is currently going on in their life. Even if you do something as simple as giving a poor person spare change, you can brighten thier spirits.  Also I have learned that helping others does gain me something in return. I got the good feeling of pride that I am lucky enough to be in a position where I can make someone else’s day a little bit brighter.

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Autistic Female

Today at work I was assigned another big project to work on.  At first I was excited because I thought finally they realize my talents but as I settled down, my anxiety came to knock on the front door.  A million thoughts ran through my head along with a side order of self doubt.  While I believe I’m good at what I do , I worry too much about what other people think of my work.  I don’t take failure or rejection well and my worst fear is that someone is going to come up to me and say my work does not meet their standards.

Being given my second project I can take the mistakes I have made the first time to change the way I navigate my way to through the assignment.   I will most definitely ask questions if I need clarification on a certain task before I tackle what needs to be done.  I can save my sanity by fixing issues in the beginning instead of having to start over at the end. I hope all this goes well but I will have to wait and see.

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Autistic Female

Over the past few years I have been able to successfully overcome many road blocks with my Autism.  However the one mountain I  have not get been able to climb is getting a  drivers license.  I tried a few times in the past which was disastrous as I  have fallen flat on my face.  Although I am a very good driver when I am with people I feel comfortable with , I can’t seem to hold it together long enough to pass a road test.  I have a hard time dealing with changes outside of my comfort zone and as a result I start getting defensive as a way to protect myself.  Being around people is a challenge for me until I get use to them but having a total stranger who I never met enter my car barking orders at me sends my sensory issue and anxiety into overdrive and as a result I start arguing with the examiner.

It has been almost 4 years since I have last taken a road test and recently my Autism specialist informed me that he thinks it is time I try again to aim for the goal of a drivers license.   I didn’t like this idea and almost fell right out of the chair I was sitting in.  I don’t have warm fuzzy feelings when it comes to driving and all of my disastrous adventures associated with it came flooding back to me.  Though I have grown up a lot   in the last four years I still have the same issues which I don’t think anyone one including the specialist understands.  Of course neither him or my family really listens to me anyway so they are all going to hock me to China until i get the stupid piece of paper from the state.  I will try again and hope for the best but if I don’t succeed I am going to blame all of them.

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Autistic Female

This weekend is going to be very interesting and hectic.  On Saturday I have an out of town family party which means on Friday after work I have to change into a pair of sweats and travel 4 hours in a car to PA.  Although I am excited to go a small part of me keeps going this could turn out to be an over stimulating disaster.  There is going to be a lot of people, noise and movement and it will not be like home where I have a safe haven to run to. Typically family gatherings are an issue for me as I don’t really understand them and they don’t get me either. For the first time ever I am going to keep a positive attitude that things will run smoothly without me having an Autistic meltdown.  It’s a goal I made for myself and I want to try to reach it.  I will let you all know how it goes.

Thanks for reading!

Autistic Female