Autistic Female's Blog

Over the past three months I have started dating a wonderful man that treats me like a queen. When we first met each other on a set up blind date I wasn’t really looking for anyone and didn’t really like him either.  I was still guarded from my previous breakup and thus didn’t give him the chance he deserved. After many conversations later I don’t know what happened but we became friends and feelings started to grow. 

He doesn’t care that I have autism and actually helps me work through my off days.  He might possibly know me better than I do as he is usually already aware of when I need quiet time before I say anything.   When we were at his New Years Eve party he could tell that I was becoming overwhelmed and we went outside until I was ready to rejoin the other guests.   

Now that I am in a relationship I finally understand that when you surround yourself with genuine people they will judge you only on personality and if you’re lucky like I am they will help you work on your imperfections.

Hello world!! It is great to be back after almost taking a yearlong leave of absence. The time I spent in disconnect has helped me to learn amore about myself though better examining.  While I thought I could dupe those around me into thinking I am a happy individual the truth is I’m not good at a poker face.  Every emotion or annoyance I was feeling showed up on my face and in my actions.  Every day I woke up feeling like a volcano ready to erupt at someone who said or did the wrong thing. Little did I know that this dramatic change almost created some major issues for me at work.  My mentor told me that my bosses were starting to notice how short I was with people which may have hurt my progress within the company.  Although I was unhappy at work during that time and didn’t really care my wakeup call came when I was standing on the train platform and I said to a man I ride the train with “will you shut the (insert curse word here) up?” At that moment I knew I needed to make an appointment with my Autism Specialist. Now that I am on a new trial and error regimen I invite you all on my journey to find my way back to peace.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

The most common myth about Autism that really ruffles my feathers states that “people on the Autism Spectrum cannot communicate” I think it is quite sad that we live in a world where technology provides us with information at the ready and yet society still holds tight to old age beliefs.  As an individual who understands Autism all too well, allow me to enlighten you as to how this theory holds no validity

Communication happens in various forms and no one way is better than the next.  The deaf interact by using Sign Language and the blind with Braille. Individuals with Autism are capable of communicating with the world but their method of doing so maybe different.  While many are able to vocalize their thoughts others often benefit from the use of pictorial cards.  It does not really matter at all how one converses; the point is it can be accomplished through years of practice and patience.

Growing up in a large Asian Italian family, social gatherings were inevitable.  Despite the fact that everyone around me seems to live for such occasions, for me it is the second most dreaded item next to a toothache.  For starters, I am by no means a fan of loud noises so when both sides of the family come together it is like a rock band meeting at a New York City protest.  I cannot focus as all I hear is loudness attacking me in every direction. Though only a few family members are able to accept this, I have learned that when I am in situations like the one mentioned about it is safest for me to revert back inside my turtle shell to prevent a meltdown.

Many people do not and may never be able to understand this concept, but it is not always a conscious effort to not speak with someone.  There are numerous times when I feel the need to defend myself against others but I physically cannot do so.  These impediments are beyond my control and I learned the best solution is to just ride it out.  However, it does not mean that I am an idiot and haven’t got a clue as to what is happening in the environment around me. My ability to use my voice may not always work but my ears do. I listen to everything people say about or around me and I have formed opinions to go along with what I’ve heard.  After all, the last time I checked listening was also a key player in the game of socialization.

Although I am a verbal Autistic, the most effective platform of letting others know what I am feeling is through written words.  I’m an open book of ideas and more often than not, my brain acts like the energizer bunny.  Normally, I think faster than I am able to speak which unfortunately results in everything coming out in one garbled message to which no one else quite understands.  To make matters worse, I usually cannot remember what I’ve just said because my mind has already moved onto different subjects. I love the simple fact that writing allows me to jot down anything at the exact moment it pops into my head.  It is not anxiety provoking as having a face to face with someone and I can leisurely take my time to process my thoughts and form them into rational statements that are comprehensible by all.  This might seem to most like a waste of everyone’s time but it is important to remember that some of the greatest people in history used inscriptions to convey their messages.

As one can see there are many variations in which humans express to others how they are feeling.  I think that if people were more open to individuality and embraced ones differences than the world would be a more peaceful place.  All too often, society (myself included) runs away from what scares them and in return end up missing an opportunity to learn something. The most important thing to remember is that just because things are done differently doesn’t mean its wrong.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

On Saturday I had a very difficult time trying to cope with my Autism.  From the minute I stepped out of bed I started to stim.  In my opinion this occurred at the most inopportune time because I had a list of obligations which required me to leave the house.  If there is one thing I am good at it is fighting the fight and pushing forward so that is exactly what I did.

I admit that I love to eat as I find it to be one of the best comforts around.  It does not talk back to me and is almost always the perfect closure to a bad day. Thinking this would provide some sort of resolution my sister and cousin took me to the local pizza shop for a ladies lunch.  While I usually end up feeling better afterword all that was resolved was my hunger level.  I still could not stop stimming and I was getting extremely frustrated.

When I arrived at the hair salon I was exhausted and longed to be home where I can go enter my own world.  Mom did not get food with us so when she saw me her automatic reaction was “What is bothering you because your hands are  shaking”  I told her that I was having one of my “off” days and I could not stop it no matter how hard I tried.  She told me that everyone has their days and that it was okay to feel out of sorts.  I don’t usually like waiting on a normal day so when I am not myself my tolerance is much lower.  Not wanting to get arrested for acting irrationally I picked up a gossip magazine and read the inside articles. I realized that this fluff magazine redirected my focus and for a few minutes I even started to stim a little less.

The minute I arrived at my house I felt as though I had won the state lottery jackpot.  I longed for it all day and now that I was finally in my safe haven I treasured it even more. I was able to stop fighting with myself and go off to a world of my own.   There is something very comforting to me about being home when I have hard day dealing with my Autism.  It is the best place  in the world as I am loved unconditionally without  judgment.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

Happy Birthday America!!!  For many years the fourth of July was a torturous punishment to me.  While I adored the classic family barbecue tradition, I absolutely dreaded the annual neighborhood fireworks show.

Until the time leading up to my middle teens I was never able to get through the day without a meltdown.  I have extreme sensitivity to certain noises and I am definitely not a big fan of booming.  Every year when the festivities began I would lose all control I had over myself.  It was not uncommon  for people to see me running around the house screaming covering my ears.  I remember in the past feeling ashamed at myself that here everyone else around me was having a grand old time and I was not able to do the same.

As I write tonight I am proud to say that while I still do not particularly like the noise that comes with it, I am at a place now where I am comfortable enough to enjoy them with my family.  Do not get me wrong though,  this was not an over night success but rather a result thanks to many years of therapy. Although I complained about going I am thankful now that I went.  Each session I was dragged too I learned how to deal with sounds that bothered me in an appropriate manner.

Trying to find the right intervention is like playing a game of chess.  You need a strategy with a back up plan if the one you tried did not work out.  If you are struggling with a similar situation my best advice would be to keep trying different programs until you find one that works for you.  It is a long process but the end result is well worth the journey.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

This past Memorial Day I accomplished more than I could have ever imagined possible.  I made it through three noisy, over stimulating events without having a meltdown.  I am beyond proud of myself and can not wait to share my experiences with the world.

From the minute I awoke out of bed on Saturday it was go time.  To be truly honest the environment around me felt as though I was amid a three-ring circus. We had a jam-packed agenda ahead and everything seemed to be happening faster than the speed of light.  I did not get a good rest the night before so I fought myself all day to push forward and get things done.  After running all over the South Shore of Long Island I was in a mood that was far from festive.  Unfortunately I could not call it a day because I still had a pre-wedding dinner to attend.

When I arrived at the party it took all the strength I had to paste on my happy face mask.  I was extremely tired and wanted nothing more than to be home in my pajamas.  Now the absolute last thing I wanted to do was draw negative attention to myself so I sucked it up and went with it.  I grabbed a glass of caffeinated soda to help knock me out of my coma and slowly started to talk to people when I was ready. I find it works best for me to stay in the background until I feel comfortable enough in with my surroundings before initiating conversations. There is something unnerving about having someone start talking to me the minute I enter a room.  My guard goes up and I usually do not respond back to well.  Apparently I had a better time than I originally planned because before I knew it, it was time to go home.

On Sunday the big event took place that was over a year in the making.  It was my sister and new brother in law’s wedding.  Everything about it was spectacular. The thing I am most proud of is the fact that I did not stim or meltdown for the entire day.  I was able to interact without having  my infamous  ” oh please shut up or make a point already” feeling coming over me.  Even guests who I am far from  fond of did not seem to bother me.  Another accomplishment  I reached was dancing the night away with my family.  Usually I do not feel comfortable enough to let loose and have fun like that but it is definitely something I want to  try to replicate the next time I go out to a social function.

After the last two days have passed I was absolutely burned out and  wanted to retreat back to my comfort zone.  Unfortunately, being the Maid of Honor also meant that I was responsible  for the post wedding breakfast. I tried to stay as long as I could but after an hour I needed to leave.  I informed my mother that I was quitting my job as host and going back to my hotel room to relax.  I am blessed to have understanding parents who let me leave with no questions asked every time I feel like I am nearing the end of my rope.

That weekend was  one of my best learning experience.  I realized that I am a lot stronger than I give my self credit for and with the proper coping skills I can truly accomplish anything.  I know  now that if I was able to get through a whole weekend of social activities than everything else is just icing on the cake.

Thank you for reading!!

Autistic Female

As I continue to experience life I am starting to believe that it is more like a revolving door than a box of chocolates.  Everyday events occur and things change despite my fight to stop them.

The hardest lesson I am currently dealing with is the fact that people will always come and go.  Yesterday, I found out that the man I have a lot of feelings for is leaving to join the armed forces so he can try to create a better life for himself.  Being a good friend , I pretended to be happy though I was upset by this piece of information.  For over a year I have planned my Saturday’s around a time I blocked out just to go visit him.  I became very comfortable with that and I am actually surprising myself by how sad I feel that I will not be able to see him again for a very long time.

While I realize that there will always be changes  I do not think I will ever become accustomed to the feelings I have when it eventually happens. Every change sparks a different reaction so it is hard for me to  pick out just one emotion. As I mature, I hope to understand that while I may be sad when people leave the most important thing is to treasure the moments I get to spend with them when they are around.

Thank you for reading!!!

Autistic Female

Over the course of my professional career, I observed that social gatherings and office parties are a weekly occurence.  While many thrive in these situations for others it can be a stress attack in the making.   Although I am a member of the later category, I have learned some valuable tips to help get me through the entire gathering.

1) Do Not Stim

This is probably the most challenging for me since it has and always will be a part of my nature.  It is my automatic default response whenever I am in an uncomfortable situation.  Unfortunately, the world around me does not understand or accept stimming.  Always keeping that in mind, I find it helpful to hold a drink in my hands for the duration of the event.  It re-directs my energy allowing me to focus more on the surrounding environment and less on doing something that is normal to me.

2) Shake Everyone’s Hand

I am not a big fan of this and it may be something I will never understand but like other things in life, I just go with it.  First off, in my opinion hands are the breeding grounds for germs so why willingly pass it on to other people.  Secondly, I do not see how moving someone’s arm up and down making his or her underarms jiggle constitutes as a “normal” part of interaction.   Anyway, since this is an expectant party of social situations I try to get this done as soon as possible preferably at the beginning of the party.  If I do this immediately I will not come across as rude and it is one less stress to deal with.

3) Pretend to be interested

Once again, this is not one of my strong points but maybe like a good bottle of wine I will get better with age.  I have probably one of the worst cases of ADHD so I am never really present in a conversation.  Typically, I think about other things I want to be doing instead of being where I am or what I am going to eat for my next meal.  Unfortunately, when in a social settings I cannot just get up and leave like I would if I were home so I have not choice but to hear the nonsensical noise coming from the group. Luckily, I realized that the simple jester of nodding your head and saying “ok” actually gives off the impression that you are actively listening to whats going on.

4) Laugh At Jokes

I do not have the best understanding of humor when I have a direct interactions with someone because I cannot differentiate the tone of voice to which the other person is speaking.   I basically only know that a joke has been told when the teller of it starts laughing or smirking right afterward.  To try to avoid any awkwardness such as laughing at inappropriate content I find it helpful for me if I surround myself  by a group  people I have some what of a  comfort level with.  That way I can get a better sense of what is going on and start laughing when they do even though I haven’t really understood what was said.

5) Keep thoughts to yourself

This is the difficult thing  for me mostly because I  appreciate  absolute honesty but as I continually learn and observe more I see that most people are offended by this.  Unlike those who are close to me who accept my what I really feel approach,  this could have disastrous results in my professional career.  After years of training I have finally learned to keep my real opinions in my head and give the answer that those around me expect to hear.  It gets you further in the long run and you wont appear to be an insubordinate worker.

I hope you can take these guidelines to help work your way through any social situation. Good Luck.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

The past three months of my life were a great learning experience. Taking the good with the bad, I have come to see that I am definitely the type of person who functions best on routines.

From Monday to Friday, I have no choice but to fittingly adapt to the changes in my workday. When I am on my own time, I try to maintain a steady schedule as much as possible.  For the longest time it has been my ritual that every Saturday morning I go out for breakfast at the local coffee shop followed by a trip to the spa.  Additionally, it is my errand day where I can complete the tasks I was unable to accomplish during the week.  On a typical Sunday, I love to stay home and unwind unless it is a necessity for me to leave.

While I absolutely love taking an active role in party planning, it does not always mesh well with my need for structure.  All to often, it ends up feeling like a hot dog eating contest.   Appointments are jam-packed into one day and you try to get in as much as you can before the time runs out.  You end up feeling physically exhausted without the unfortunate blessing of indigestion.

I am extremely thankful for the events that I went through because I have realized a lot about myself in the process.  I may operate differently than the rest of the world but at the end of the day, I have to do what works best for me.  It may take me longer but the bottom line is it will all be complete.
Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female

Recently I have noticed that on days when I am not feeling well my Autism characteristics get worse than on an average day.  For the last two weeks I have battled Asthmatic Bronchitis.  It is during this time where my tolerance for sensory and patience for people were significantly lowered.

One day last week I was sitting in a doctor’s office with mom when I had an attack in the waiting room.  A woman was sitting in the chair across the way but she kept staring at me. Normally I would have just gotten up and walked away but being on medication that was making me bloated I became self-conscious and took everything the wrong way.  All of a sudden when I looked up and she made I contact with me I lost it.  I screamed ” Stop staring at me! I don’t know you and there’s nothing to see here so turn around and go back to your crocheting”   I think I might have scared the woman though as she kept her head down the rest of the time I was waiting in the office. I must admit that I was a bit taken back by my reaction as I have not screamed at a stranger in public in years

Now that I am feeling like my old self again I can slowly see my personality coming back.  I feel once again I have control over my sensory issues so I am not snapping at random people who are bothering me.

Thank you for reading!

Autistic Female